The Scarily Long Name
by Wishi-chan
Summary: Oneshot. An exchange student enters Hogwarts, and slowly begins to take over the Harry Potter world. A tiny bit of Language.


**I don't know when I started this fic, but it was along time ago, so I thought, why not post it? A Mary-Sue Parody fic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. No profit is being made from this, only hours of enjoyment. Hopefully. **

**A Mary-Sue Tale-The Scarily Long Name**

It was a new year at Hogwarts, and the students were eagerly awaiting Dumbledore's speech, even though he was technically dead. But let's just ignore that for the sake of argument.

"I've heard that there's going to be an exchange student from America" Hermione said as the Golden Trio sat down at the Gryffindor table.

Ron wrinkled his nose. "An exchange student? But Hogwarts doesn't GET exchange students."

"Yeah Mione" Added Harry, using a nickname that was NEVER EVER used in canon "Where did you hear that?"

"Well, I got it from Dean who got it from Parvati, who got it from Padma, who got it from Terry who got it from Ginny who got it from Cho who got it from Cedric-"

"Wait a minute, Mione" Said Harry "Cedric Diggory is DEAD."

Hermione looked vaguely surprised.

"Really? I thought he must have just had low blood circulation, seeing as his face is so pale. Wait, that makes Cho a necrophiliac!" She shuddered in disgust.

Anyways, back to the _**most important**_ character in our story……

Dumbledore stood up, instantly grabbing the attention of his students and fellow staff without even having to say anything, unlike in canon, for a reason never explained by the author of this piece fiction.

"Students, as you may or may not know, we have an exchange student joining us this year. Because of this, all the first years have been sorted privately so that our new student may take advantage of this age old custom. Now, I must inform you that our new student has an exceptionally tragic past, and I would wish that we should respect her privacy and not question her, but instead welcome her. Without further ado, I introduce to you to our new student from America."

Without further ado (The Authoress not caring about repeating words, of course) the massive wooden doors opened to reveal the most beautiful, splendiferous, marvellous, awe-inspiring, wonderfully dressed, intelligent appearing girl that any of them had ever seen.

She had midnight black, silky smooth hair that fell in perfectly straight waves and curls to her perfectly clinched in waist, with natural white blonde streaks that accentuated her perfectly formed face.

Her eyes were the perfect space apart from each other. They were wide and dewy, and the colour was so amazing that some fell to the floor, others had to look away and one called for a sick bucket.

Her amazingly coloured eyes were nausea inducing mixtures of violet, aquamarine, sky blue, warm chocolaty hazel brown and bright, clear emerald green.

Her lashes were long, thick, the best length that could be for entrancing flirty techniques and stripped black and blonde.

Her skin was clear, flawless porcelain. In fact, her skin had such a luminescent effect, rather like the moon, that many wondered if she could be wholly human. Aside from her attractive paleness she also had a healthy tan that showed that she had spent many days in the sun, using factor 50, of course.

She was tall, at least 5, 9, and willowy, rather like a veela, only far more beautiful, and amazingly skinny, yet with curves all in the right places and clothes that clung perfectly, but didn't look slutty.

For an unexplained reason she was not yet wearing her school robes, although that was required of _**all**_ new students. Apart from her, apparently.

Instead, her outfit was comprised of a designer handbag, a custom made wand, a fabulous pair of…(Thus, the Authoress went on to describe the girl's outfit in astounding detail, right down to the mother of pearl buttons on her bracelet

She walked up to the sorting hat which had mysteriously appeared whilst everyone was staring at the new girl.

Professor McGonagall opened her parchment roll and began to call out the name of this magnificent girl.

"Lady Annabella Artemis Raven Jade Raine Emerald Xenia Sapphire Ruby Alexandrina Diamond Ophelia Margareta Leonie Slytherina Raven Issadora Helgara Serena Mary Virgine Clarissina Amerindian Minnette Merlope Raven Angora Mishka Starlight Uranus Moon Miko Aasera Kaitlyn Rani Isolde Sue Jacobs Weasley Marks Lupin Wolfe Gaunt Zimbabwe Ogden Abbott Apple Pie Peters Flash Gordon Logan Swirly-Whirly Kinky Winky Malfoy Potter Black Azerbaijan Bother Riddle de Von Darkstaff-Smyth ." Professor McGonagall took in a massive breath after this impressive roll call of names, each more wonderful that the last.

Lady Annabella Artemis Raven Jade Raine Emerald Xenia Sapphire Ruby Alexandrina Diamond Ophelia Margareta Leonie Slytherina Raven Issadora Helgara Serena Mary Virgine Clarissina Amerindian Minnette Merlope Raven Angora Mishka Starlight Uranus Moon Miko Aasera Kaitlyn Rani Isolde Sue looked around the shyly, to demure to make eye contact with anybody. She sat with unheard of grace upon the stool and placed the undeserving piece of clothing upon her near divine head.

A near half an hour past before Professor McGonagall approached the hat to ask what the problem was. Despite this great lapse of time, nobody was hungry, to busy staring at the mysterious new pupil to function normally.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat.

"What seems to be the problem, O great and wise hat of sorting?" she questioned, using customary ceremonial language that The Authoress had just invented.

"Alas and Alack!" The hat wailed "I cannot sort this magnificent, well rounded person! She is as brave as a lion, as cunning as a snake (only in a _good_ way), as clever as a raven and as hard working and loyal as a Hufflepuff. She may go where ever she wishes, for I pronounce her THE FOUNDER HEIR!!"

Everyone gasped in perfect (yet another over repeated word) unison to this proclamation.

Dumbledore rose and addressed the new student.

"It seems, Miss Jacobs Weasley Marks Lupin Wolfe Gaunt Zimbabwe Ogden Abbott Apple Pie Peters Flash Gordon Logan Swirly-Whirly Kinky Winky Malfoy Potter Black Azerbaijan Bother Riddle de Von Darkstaff-Smythe, that you may chose which house you wish to be a member of. Now, which shall it be?"

The beautiful, obviously intelligent girl turned to the teachers' table and spoke in a melodious voice that could have been mistaken for birdsong.

"If it's not too much trouble (For she HATED making trouble and getting loads of attention) I would like to be in…."

Everyone waited with bated breath.

"Gryffindor." Lady Annabella Artemis Raven Jade Rai- Shit, I'm not going through THAT again. God.

All the tables apart from Gryffindor immediately burst into tears at the heart wrenching sorrow that they all under went as the awe inspiring creature made her way over to the Gryffindor Table.

The Gryffindors were soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy about this that they were all to busy crying for joy/ cheering/fainting/throwing up from sheer joy and excitement to notice that Annabella Artemis- Shit, I've forgotten her name….

Let's just call her Belle.

That Belle was now sitting in the conveniently places space beside a bespectacled, black haired boy who had suddenly become very chiselled and muscular during the summer even though five minutes ago he looked like he did in canon.

But whatever.

Back to the MOST important character in this fic. Mwahahaha!! Yah.

"Err, Hi." Harry said awkwardly to the Beautiful Girl sitting next him.

"Hello." She said shyly, and harry (His name in lower case, due to the fact that The Authoress was to lazy) noticed her wonderful eyes were full of…err…melancholy, that's it.

"So, Annabellee (Cause the heroine's name MUST be spelt at least five different ways before the story's end.) Where are you from?" harry asked.

Anabeele blushed (For no reason, seemingly. What are we missing here!? Please, tell us! Then this _**MIGHT**_ just make sense!)

"Oh, I'm from America. (Not that Dumbledore TOLD you that or anything.)" She answered.

Harry waited for a second, and then asked "Which state?"

Annabele blushed again, because it was very hard for her to talk to boys, what with her being perfect and all.

"Texas. I love Texas, what with its beautiful scenery and horse ranches."Harry thought about how odd it was that she didn't even have a Texan accent, before the Authoress shoved him back into the story.

Harry nodded, too awestruck for words. Then he noticed that Belle was only eating a small salad.

"Erm…" he said awkwardly, before asking "Would you like some...chips?" (Yes, the conversation flows, doesn't it?)

Belle once again blushed prettily. (Because nothing's more attractive than a tomato.)

"I'm sorry," she said in her lilting accent "But I only eat salad."

At that moment, Ron and Hermione suddenly reappeared in the story.

"You can't survive on JUST salad!" Hermione objected, infusing some sanity into the story.

The Authoress glared at Hermione until she quelled under her gaze (And shook in fear of her posh words)

"O-On second thoughts, many be you can." Hermione agreed, garnering strange looks from those around them. Hermione had given in! In an argument! Shock, horror! Something was most definitely wrong.

The new girl smirked-no, I mean smiled in a humble fashion before simply stating "I knew you would agree with me. I am top of the class in every single subject, even the ones I'm not doing, _and_ I am a qualified dietician."

Hermione turned an odd shad of green at this.

"Top in _everything_?" she managed to squeak.

Belle leaned forward in conspiratorial manner. "Everything." She whisper solemnly, looking over the top of her Gucci framed glasses which had suddenly appeared and were never mentioned again.

"Not that I mean to brag!" she sat up straight, once again her normal, cheerful, yet angst filled self. "But I took all the subjects available at my old school, including all of the muggle ones!" She continued in this manner for several minutes, dropping in words such as "Grade Eight piano" and "Fabulous sushi chef!" until Ron, who had, until this point, been staring at Belle as though enchanted, and slowly drooling on his robes, decided to enter the conversation.

"You took all the subjects in your old school! Bloody hell, you might be even cleverer than Hermione!"

Hermione sulked in the background as The Authoress gave Ron a cookie for boosting Belle's credentials.

"Well, Hermione, I'm sure I could help you with your studies!" Belle simpered. The look on her face turned many to mush due to the look of pure good and kindness directed straight towards Hermione. Poor thing.

Hermione had a shell shocked look on her face. "S-sure. Thanks, Belle." She said before collapsing headfirst into a bowl of trifle. Yes, the desserts had arrived unbeknownst to _anyone_. Even Ron.

The girl smirked. Now, her plan for world domination was almost complete! She had the Golden Trio under her thumb! She was using too many exclamation points!

Soon after the events of the feast, things began to…change around Hogwarts. For one thing, one day, the Gryffindors walked into Snape's potion class to find adequate lighting in place! All the dark corners and dirt was gone, and in its place were fluffy pink pillows and massive pictures of puppies! Puppies, for God's sake!!

The most surprising thing, however, was to see Snape taking potion lessons …from Belle (Who was still not wearing school robes, for some reason…). AND…His hair was shiny, clean and sweet smelling.

And Snape was pleasant! For a whole lesson, he was practically singing love songs! Scary.

Very soon after that, Lady Annabelle usurped Dumbledore (Which was alright, as he was dead anyway), and took her "rightful" place as the mistress of Hogwarts. All the house elves loved her immediately, of course, even though she took away their pay and made them dress in rags.

Eventually, she defeated Voldemort, as she was the true Boy Who Lived, even though she was a girl, as Harry had only been a decoy so that she, Belle, would remain safe. Even though Voldemort didn't mark her as his equal, or the prophecy didn't actually talk about her. There was probably a gypsy queen somewhere who had made a second prophecy. Yes.

In fact, the prophecy probably appeared on one the famous prophetic salad bowl's at the Wise Club, were only the best prophecy's appeared, not cheapo ones like Sybil Trelawney's. Because, like shoes, a good May Sue-I mean _our_ heroine, Belle, could never go out without a designer prophecy.

Anyway, in the end, Belle turned Hogwarts into a massive shopping mall, and classes where cancelled indefinitely whilst Belle became a multimillionaire. Eventually, she bought Beauxbatons and Durmstrang as well, turning them into a giant multiplex and a magical shopping district respectively, taking all business from other magical shopping areas such as Diagon Alley, thus single handed destroying the Magical economy in Europe. But whatever, now she could afford a diamond collar for her sparkly purple pet griffin!

She also married Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy and Oliver Wood at the same time! It was, according to her, heavenly, because she had three hot guys to do her bidding. Although, in the book, Malfoy is described as having the face of a rat, Harry has knobbly knees, and Oliver Wood isn't even described! Oh no, wait, he's BURLY! Burly I tell ya! Anyways…

And so everything ended happily ever after for Lady Annabelle Lady Annabella Artemis Raven etc…. Azerbaijan Bother Riddle de Von Darkstaff-Smyth…_Or so it seemed!!(_Can I have a dun-dun-dun here? This needs a dun-dun-dun.)

One day, Belle receives some terrible news. The Cannonites had invaded! From over the borders of Good Writing they spilled, ravaging the land of Mary-Sue with their cannon following universe. With their weapons of mass-in-characterness, they decimated the legions of OOC-ness forever. Their flames of anti-Sue burned up the many pages of mediocre writing by the rulers of the land-_The Fangirls_, ruled over by the truly terrifying _Authoress,_ Belle's creator!

Belle, of course, led her troops of Mary Sue's valiantly against the invaders, and soon she came up with a plan, as she was, of course, the cleverest person in all the land, even clever than Hermione (as stated before, idiot.).

This plan was too ambush all the Cannonites in their sleep and…dun-dun-dun, poison them with essence of OC in their water! Genius, no?

For a while, it seemed to work. The Cannonites had horrendous dreams, which included, but were not exclusive to: Self-Insert, Emo Hermione/Ginny, American Cousin, Make Over's, Snape's/Sirius'/Remus' daughter and the dreaded Twin Sue. It seemed that the war was over, the victor obvious.

But it seemed that the Cannonites had a secret weapon in the form of an elite group of Writers who had studied the Harry Potter Series for years. They sneaked into the strong holds of the Fangirls all across the land of Mary-Sue, and, using their specialist knowledge, convinced the Harry Potter characters to return to their roots-and return to the cannon verse.

And so the Fangirls were defeated. As Belle's entire world (including her multimillion dollar business) crumbled around her, Belle did not mourn the fact that her three husbands had abandoned her in a fit of in-characterness. No, it was the fact that she had never been able to tell anyone her tragic past; that she was in fact-

And then Belle disappeared in a poof of magical plot sanity.

**The End (Thank God)**


End file.
